Blog Day 9: The Grieving Mother

 Dear Lord, 

  Breathe strength into my mind, faith in my hands, & freedom in my spirit to tell my story. Allow those who gaze upon my words or those who fully digest what I am about to express find peace in their own state of mind. Allow me to be a walking testimony for those who are grieving a loved one especially those who have experienced my own pain as a grieving mother. Let them know that the enemy has not won, that the Lord is just getting started with them on what new challenges but also so much more beauty is behind the madness of our minds. Purify our souls God, for we are all open to your holiness.

    ~In Jesus Name, Amen

        It's with great honor that I get to talk about my favorite human being in the whole entire world! Ughhh you don't even know how excited I've been to type out this blog today especially as we wrap up January with such a beautiful rendition of what I experienced as a first time mother to my child. This was the hardest thing that I have ever endured as a woman, but it hurt me more as a mother not being able to experience all the things I wanted to with my sweet girl. Just seeing her was more than enough for me to give her to God and our ancestors.

    I kind of gave my own gist of what my pregnancy looked like in yesterday's passage. It was such a pain to go through all of this at such a young age too. Considering this was my first child, I thought something like this couldn't happen, but I was so wrong. I had an idea of pregnancy & infant loss but to be in the mist of the experience of it puts a whole different toll on your mind, body, and spirit. You think everything everyone says is a lie concerning your kid, when they tell you she may not make it, or telling you if you don't do x, y, or z that you could potentially die too if you don't get her out of you. So many emotions and actions can happen in the mist of a 9 month pregnancy.

      You really gotta have the most supportive village around and not just some random humans with immortal intentions that are not pure. You can't trust that everyone is happy for you because a lot of people want to hurt you intentionally. The life I endured during those 9 months was something I learned the most about myself. I learned to connect deeper into my vessel while also bringing another life here. As for my daughter, she fought a good fight with me but also knew that wasn't the life she wanted to live. Being connected through blood, cores, life source in my body there was not enough love around me nor were there any pure hands to nurture/ develop/ support my child at the time Mr. Ivy and I were together living in a rented room. That alone was such a hard pill to swallow. 

    I was told so much and remember so much from this time even after the fact as well. Not a lot of people even knew I got pregnant in the first place and at times I really didn't want anyone to know I was. People who did know, but didn't know she passed always say, " So where's your baby?" or " You had a baby on us and didn't even know congratulations!" or  "How old is the baby now". So many emotions brew when I get asked stuff like that or if people ask if I do have children which puts me in awkward positions as I have to bring a mood down by telling my testimony. Honestly after like 10 months postpartum I stopped giving a fuck about really any second hand embarrassment over my kid because this is some I'm so honored to have had the pleasure of developing as far as she did. The most amazing girl in the world she is to me because she is my reflection.

    The reflection of me in a whole other human being was enough for me because I wasn't the only one who seen who divine light, but everyone who was able to meet her knew she would've been such a power house for this world. Her first name means goddess of light/ wisdom, her middle name meaning the eternal supreme creator and her last name being another name for vine or evergreen plant. All that to say, I carried an entire deity. God chose me to carry this life to know who he truly is to me and what he does for me to protect me in this lifetime. As much as I loved her father, I knew through him not showing up for me the ways I truly needed that he just wasn't going to feed my daughter or I the things that we truly need to know he was going to support us in every way possible. It was so hard to regain trust back into that connection as I was getting mentally, spiritually, and verbally abused. Sometimes physically as well as I had many and can't stress you enough, many panic attacks that almost cost me my own life as well as my daughters. 

    There were times as well where her father would not be checked out and at a point checked out completely from his daughter and I when he found out she wasn't going to make it. It was like he accepted the fact she was dying inside of me ( and I accepted as well) but he never honored nor advocated for us like I was hoping he would. I was even told by the woman we dated that " God is punishing you for keeping her this long, that's why she is dying" and " Mr. Ivy is only mad at you because you decided to keep her and not follow through with the plan." without even knowing who he truly was as a partner during this time. It hurt so much to know there were so many people praying on my downfall as a mother. In a way I knew this was going to come with the title as people have so much to say with no type of back bone to be a support system but they rather belittle. It's disheartening  to say the least but at the same time eye opening.

    For once in my life I was able to pull the veil over my eyes. Me allowing people to provoke me into being something that I am not brought me into a state of mind of not wanting to live on earth anymore. I even got sent to the mental hospital 11 months postpartum because the abuse I endured from my daughter's father sent me into a nervous breakdown to the point I wanted to just be with my daughter and not the world I was living in. I really hated myself because of someone who wanted me to go " back to normal" when that definition as a whole was reconstructed from me. I didn't know what normal was at all nor did the definition sit well with me. Nothing that happened to me was normal at all.

    Now we are a year into this grieving journey and my life has drastically changed. The perspective that I had a month to six months of it freshly happening to it now being almost two years has amazed me in ways that made me feel like none of this ever happened. It started to feel like an illusion at times too but I am often reminded of the emptiness within my womb space or the postpartum flutters of my baby's little kicks. Having her a day before my 23rd birthday showed me more than I knew I needed. She was and still is the best gift God gave to me and I will never forget what this has done for me. 

    I hope I can give any mother, father, grandparent, or anyone who is connected to another's child that has passed on; just know you are not alone. Don't let anyone make you feel like what you are doing for your child and to honor your child is the wrong thing. Nothing can be a wrong thing as long as it's honorable &respectful to the deceased. Ultimately our loved ones want us to continue to keep them in our minds and on our hearts as we are more connected to the spiritual world than we know it. Anyone who is struggling to release the aching feelings, try writing more to these loved ones, make more art surrounding them/ expressing your emotions, journal, start a blog ( like I did with mine), and reconnect your soul with God as he is the main source to where our beautiful angels are resting peacefully.  

                ~ Indigo Vibration <3 1111

Theia Nyame Ivy

September 7, 2023 @11:11 am; 3 lb, 12.9 oz, 1726 g

~Mommy Loves you my angel <3~

    "The Lord is my Shepard, I shall not want. He makes me lie down in the green pastures. He leads me beside still waters. He restores my soul. He leads me in paths of righteousness for his name's sake. even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will not fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me. You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies; you anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows. Surely goodness and love will follow me all the day of my life, and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever" Psalm 23: 1-6

Blog Day 8: The Illusion

 Dear Lord,

    We come forth to you today with the most grace and wisdom today. There is nobody like you; the love you carry, the clarity given, and the breakthroughs that bring our life the willingness to live more for you. Personally, we need you at all times even in our most darkest times but also the beauty of our madness is what makes us move forward with more discernment to be closer to you. Awaken the pain that lies within in order for it to be released with more of a clearer innerstanding of where you are leading the way

    ~In Jesus Name, Amen

        With this blog I will be discussing the life I spent being with my daughter's father and just bringing to light what I was feeling during these times of my high risk pregnancy. There are a lot of emotions pertaining to this topic as this is the sole reasoning of me bringing this blog to life. I needed my story to be told in MY WORDS, MY EXPERIENCE. There are two sides to every story, so this will be the best release I received in a long while from this situation since our separation occurred. 

    I was only 21 years old when I met Mr. Ivy ( that's all I'ma call him ) and I was living in Arizona at the time. The time I met him was so abrupt, but I was open to the idea. I posted a video of me dancing like I always did especially around that time. Somehow that post got a lot of algorithms and he ended up commenting under my post. I saw how much he admired me in my creative nature which was such an easy way to get me to be with anyone back then because I never really believed to give it to myself. Once he commented we just ended up continuing our conversation through direct message. It was a casual conversation at first like talking about where we were, where we were from, how old we are, ya know the basics of knowing a human being lol. It got to a point where we started talking about our past with our exes and how much he was done wrong by his. I made space for him to be vulnerable which made him instantly tell me he loved me. As I think of it now that shit was diabolical, but at the time I never had a real  definition of what love was because I was just getting hurt over and over; with Mr. Ivy expressing his feelings of openness, it made me very attracted to him.

    This is all tied into the blog from yesterday & the day prior (I believe) where I was talking about my move from California to Arizona to Oklahoma which is where we continued talking as I endured all of the homelessness. He stayed even when I was thrown out on the street, having to deal with toxic people who were harassing me and my family from a far ( silent insults; they never knew what was said because it was out of anger/ to trigger intentionally), and even when I was at the shelter for a brief time. We had many talks of me moving to Ohio to live with him and to just start life like having kids, us getting married, and being a step mother to his already present children ( being a step mom at 21 years is crazyyyy). It was all great and all but there I knew in my spirit there was always something nerve racking about a move like that. 

    I was very close to making that move once I landed at SISU, but he got mad at the fact that I didn't stay there to make to money to move, but I ended up going with the girl I met at the shelter from my previous blog yesterday. So, me going to the mall with her that day and talking to Mr. Ivy on the phone while he blatantly  destroyed my entire character because I simply was stranded  outside in 100+ degree weather, made me so numb to my core. I have never been cursed out and literally abused like that ever in my life, not even from my own siblings. MK ( which is how I will address the ex friend from the previous blog) told me to simply block the man as he continued to be abusive through text messages. All I could do at that time was just cry on her shoulder as she looked at me concerned for my well-being. 

      To keep a long story short, once I moved back to California and lived with my family it was 4-5 months since we stopped talking, I began to reflect on my life as a whole. He came to my mind and I ended up face-timing him to apologize to him for ghosting. All he was doing was smiling and just overall happy I called him back. He said I love you but I did not say it back because I didn't want to say what I didn't feel for him at the time. After MK and I left my family's ranch to live at shelters again we found ourselves at a domestic violence shelter because of something that happened prior at the one we were at before ( might be a separate blog of its own). While we are there I am still talking to Mr. Ivy. At this time as well I was not  talking to MK as we stopped being friends for her constant insult and low key obsession with wanting us to be together so damn bad ( this was just how I felt at the time ). He gave me some amazing pointers on how to leave a situation like that and was going through something similar as well. There was a brief hold on our conversation as we got arrested for a misdemeanor from the person he was living with but ended up getting his own spot eventually which he opened the door for me once he knew I was ready to be with him. 

    I leave the shelter after having to be harassed by my old friend which was very exhausting to let go of because she was not letting shit go and insulted/ harassed me all the way till I left the house. Luckily the shelter provided me with the Greyhound ticket from Stockton, CA to Cleveland, OH. I had my entire life packed up as I left the over weighted junk that was not needed back in California. Nothing was gonna stop me from being with Mr. Ivy.

        I traveled 4 long, excruciating days from December 21st to December 24th ( never again on the holiday ouuu weeee) of 2022 just to be with Mr. Ivy not even knowing what I got myself into. When I saw him in person for the first time ever I couldn't believe my eyes at how much I really loved that man for doing what he did for me. For making a way for me even if there was a risk being taken, he just wanted to make sure I was safe. Unfortunately the landlord who was also his mentor didn't know I was going to be living at the apartment with him as they set up an agreement before hand, but Mr. Ivy failed to inform them of my living situation so we ended up having to leave ( mind you this was like my 3rd day in Cleveland and a random woman I just met that same day is telling me I have to go back to California that NIGHT; truly insane). I also lost my eldest brother at the time of this to pneumonia, so you can only imagine the emotions that lead up to the unexpected move.

    Well one thing I can say about Mr. Ivy is he's gonna find a way to not be in those type of positions for too long. We ended up renting a room from Facebook Marketplace and we moved into the space that same night. I never knew a man could be this dedicated to his woman like the way he did it for me, I felt proud being his woman. A few days go by and we are cuddling on the bed watching a movie. Mr. Ivy was rubbing on my stomach when he said to me, " Are you pregnant?" Now I'm sitting there like you gotta be kidding me, but at the same time we were having so much sex when I first came out here and it was very very unprotected, so there was for sure a chance I was but I did not believe it. He only knew that I was because he had already been through it prior. I took a pregnancy test the day after but he lines were too faint so it had to been to early to know.

    We waited about two weeks till we got two more tests and they both (clear as day) came back as positive. I didn't even know how to sit with that because I felt like I was not ready, but then again it was with someone I loved and we talked about it so I saw no issue. Mr. Ivy on the other hand did not feel like it was the best idea to go along with the pregnancy because we planned for us to get pregnant when I was 25 years old. He gave me the choice to terminate or for us to just keep our baby. My decision was solid and I wanted to keep our baby because I know this is something we wanted and I didn't think it would've mattered if I kept our baby. I did not consider his feelings on my decision making, so it kind of clashed because his reaction was not the happiest at all. He was still supporting me even when I had to leave my job, he was pretty much like a whole other care giver to me. 

    I'm 15 weeks in and I had a blood test to do for the doctors to detect anything as far as health for the baby and me. I got a phone call a few days later with the test results saying that they got an error in my baby's chromosomes which could either have meant that she would've had down syndrome or that the pregnancy. They performed a procedure on me called an amniocentesis which is a test that involves them removing a small amount of my amniotic fluid by insertion of a needle in my abdominal. Never would I have thought that was gonna happen to me and even when it was over I did not feel right. I didn't even make that rash decision because I wanted to, but because Mr. Ivy thought it was what was best for me. 

    When that happened my life was never the same. I didn't have no wave of control over my life and pretty much had to let everyone else make those decisions for me. They also gave me the option to terminate my daughter while I was 18 weeks pregnant because the diagnosis of Trisomy 18 would have been fatal to her. Even if I wanted to do so it would've been so hard to do this as there were many prices and travel expenses we would have to worry about. For me it wouldn't have made any difference because I was already so far along plus going to the appointments, but as a mother I was not gonna give up on my child no matter what they said I wanted to her to be with me the entire time but unfortunately her dad wanted me to go through with it for it was too hard to bear seeing me in a light of grief by having to endure a birth and not being able to take my baby home. I guess you can say he was just looking out for me when it came to my situation but it wouldn't have changed anything because I would've still been in a grievance over my daughter had I terminated her at that time. 

    All I wanted was to hold her, kiss her, and just look at her. Nothing more, nothing less. I always knew about my baby's well being but I was the only one advocating for her physically. I was all she had so I had no other choice but to go through the radar for her ( I'd do it all over if that means I can see her again). As for Mr. Ivy, he wasn't the worst, but it was not the best. I loved him even during the times I felt like it was just me. Most of that time he wasn't fully present with me as he had other dreams to just be poly and finding other women to be a part of this dynamic we built together. Even got as far as actually having that happen and lasted till I had my daughter September 7, 2023 and afterwards. It was so not the best idea we made as a couple going through that; i'd never do that again because hurt not only me but the woman as well who was involved in something she had no idea of what was to come with it all. A year later of this happening, Mr. Ivy and I moved out of the toxic house we rented the room and moved into our own apartment after all of our trials and tribulations. But we only lasted a year there, until we broke up and he moved out with everything leaving me with nothing; not even a bed to sleep on or essentials to feed myself or wipe myself.

     Anyway, as I wrap this portion of my story up, I'd just like to say these parting words before I go. If there is any chance Mr. Ivy sees this I'd like to say this: I am not mad at you nor will I ever be. The experience I had with you has changed my life to the fullest extent to a point where I didn't even know who I was before meeting you, but you helped a lot. Both the good and bad exchange of words motivated me to be a better person not only for myself but to show up for what is divinely right in my life. Thank you for contributing to creating our daughter, our sweet girl in heaven, and the light of my life. I also would like to thank you for guiding me to Ohio as I have found stability in many forms from not just my own teachings/ researches but from you introducing me to your beautiful family and meeting your beautiful children. 

    Nothing will be the same and I hope you know I will never be the 21 year old girl you met back in 2022. I'm all woman, a mother, a child of God, and someone who is deserving of many more blessings than recurring cycles that will just keep me down. I'm still going to therapy and taking my meds, talking to God as well as our daughter, and my life is finally in order with someone who really loves me in all of my forms. I hope God has blessed you with the same, because the pain we endured and us having to see our daughter lifeless the way we did, I know it was so hard for you to see her and me like that. I really hope wherever you are that you are doing your best to get to a more stable place in your life and to always keep God #1. I pray you find the guidance that is in alignment with you for your life; I will never forget what you have done for me. Again I will always hold space for  these times and keep you in my prayers even if you don't care to receive them for me; your well-being for you life matters so if there is anything you can do for me, just please give your life back to God, save your soul from lingering spirits and always move with healthy intentions that will keep things strong in a foundation. I wish you nothing but the best and thank you for this new reality as I escaped the illusion.

                                                        San Francisco, California, February 2024

    ~Indigo Vibration <3 1111

Blog Day 7: The Wild Ride

 Dear Lord,

    Protect all who are reading this from anything that could be lingering around their spirit. Anoint this passage from anything that may be harmful and judgement to our openness to be vulnerable when there is a space to do so. Allow us all to continue to stay prayed up in your name Lord for you are the source of our lives. Guide us back to you and never allow us to lose sight of who you are to us all.

     ~In Jesus Name, Amen

        Today's blog may be a little hard for me to write. These next stages of my life story consisted of so much I had to learn just with those I associated myself with during the time of my homelessness in Oklahoma. I can say though, that I learned a huge chunk of myself in this predicament alone and do NOT feel shame nor regret for anything that I have put myself through. This blog is a space for me to be expressive as well as bring light to situations but in a sense also holding myself accountable for my own decision making for my own healing journey. So far this blog has helped many others over come/ see a new perspective on life as well which is all I ever wanted for this blog. To open eyes and expand minds.

       As I entered the shelter, there was so much adrenaline running through me because of the chaotic yet traumatic day I had being pretty much thrown out on the street. I was scared and felt like a lost puppy walking in as I asked for assistance from someone who I found at the shelter ( side note: the shelter was downstairs in the basement of a church ). SISU wasn't bad but it wasn't what I wanted to do. After they showed me around the building, one of the staff members informed me they had food down in another room where supplies like clothes, laundry, food pantry, showers, ect were stored at. Entering the room, I see a bunch of young kids and adults my age at the time, but I could tell a lot of them were strung out on drugs or are users which made me really sad to see. I wasn't really hungry plus they didn't serve vegan food ( of course), but I had EBT so luckily I was able to just buy food and bring it there. 

    Besides that I just go sit at an empty spot at the table in the corner so I just proceeded to sit there alongside two other girls. They seemed like they've been friends for a while and were having good conversations with each other when all of a sudden one of them introduced themselves to me. She seemed friendly but I also wasn't too sure as I'm not a local. After like a day she came back to me again when she saw I was alone outside in 100 degree weather on a really humid, sunny day. If some don't know, when you stay at certain homeless shelters they basically shut down the entire facility with all of your belongings in there for about 8 hours or so; if you don't make it back at a certain time they will literally have you sleeping outside which I never knew until I got there. But anyway, she offered to hang out with me and we ended up going to the mall.

      From there we became so close to friends from me having a very intuitive tarot reading with her, wanting to brand/create a business with her, praying together, crying together to us having to damn near fight for our lives coming into contact with some dangerous people as well. I even went as far as having my friend at the time drive across the country to pick us both up because we wanted to leave the shelter so bad that we decided to move back to California and live with/ meeting most of my family. We endured a lot together to the point we even became romantically involved. Yes, at the time all of this was like the golden ticket, but after a while there were many changes. Us being romantically involved messed up a lot of things for the simple fact of miscommunication. I was poly at the time and had been for a few years which I told her; I really thought we had an understanding of the definition and that this would mean I would be seeing/ interested in others ( mind you we were never officially together as a couple nor did I ever ask her just based off of our conversations prior). The miscommunication from both ends clashed a lot which made it more obvious that we had something going on to my family as they confronted us about it.

       From this being the result, this made me chase her a lot during the time and I can confidently say that now. This was really because of what happened to me during my time in Oklahoma and how much I needed to rely on someone really anyone to support me and see life in me. In a way I was seeking a lot of validation from others and needing that approval but most of the time it wouldn't be what I was wanting because it wasn't what God wanted me to have. After that entire experience of her putting me through all of that hell we did end up speaking and reconciling after two years in 2024 but it became to be very overwhelming with the timing of our lives and it felt like that time with us being in connection on any accord is done; for we are on newer/ very very different paths and wavelengths. All I can do is give it back to God and let him do the work for that. Just because you reconcile with someone from your past, doesn't always mean you have to reconnect with them.    

        Sometimes you really got to just let yourself have these experiences, observe the situation, then move accordingly, but to also accept the differences that made the problems happen in the first place. I'm so thankful God put me through that because I would've never learned how to speak up for myself when I felt like things were wrong. It was still choppy, but I was able to gain the knowledge to make that part of me better. And these experiences with her and my living in Oklahoma made me realize not everyone is gonna be like you or  like you. People really are just raised differently and unfortunately not everyone wants to see you win by moving on through life to more healthier scales. 

    Through the evolution of my life path, I was more in alignment with that rather than how I used to handle situations that were influenced by the way others would resolve them, but now I am free of that; my worth cost more than anyone's validation. Now for tomorrow's blog this will be the most important part of my life and the reason I even started this blog in the first place.  I'm definitely going to be meditating on this topic as there are many wounds from my pregnancy and relationship with my daughter's father. I'm strong enough for the topic alone, but only God knows what those experiences felt like to me so please bear with me on this. I appreciate all the feedback so far and hope to continue on helping so many of you with these stories<3

        ~Indigo Vibration<3 1111

Blog Day 6: The Realizations

 Dear Lord,

    Thank you for all that you do. Thank you for just bringing forth new beginnings and clear realizations for our minds to be free from the enemy's clutch. Allow us to always be proud of the journey we are taking here on earth, cover our innocence, and continue to guide us in the right direction for you are the only way to go.        

    ~In Jesus Name, Amen

        We are here, day 6! Almost a whole week of the blog being dropped and I can't believe how much my life story has resonated with so many people. Yesterday we discussed a lot about the MLM fiasco, now we are going to talk about how this ties into my 2022 experience with homelessness and really how much the controlled dynamic of individuals came forth to me in my personal life as well.

       After leaving the solar panel MLM and being told to leave the apartments they provided for ( yes these people had enough money to house thousands of people I was shocked when I seen it too because this was in a way such a smart, yet devious way to keep people in control; like how much more further can you go with this smh), I  literally had no where to go, but back to my dad's house who I just previously moved from. Knowing I had to make that choice messed me up so bad just because I wanted to be my own independent woman and not have to keep going backwards with something like that. I soon realize this is going to be a recurring cycle of this game of life. I ended up living with my sister and her children who lived in Phoenix, AZ at the time for a fresh start which I was 100% game for.

       Long story short I did not stay in Arizona for too long and ended up in Oklahoma City, OK which was a huge culture shock for me as a whole. I lived here for only 6 months, but within those months I experienced a lot. I experienced many first being out there like having to be around gang affiliation, guns, accused of shit I didn't do, drugs, sexual harassment and at times ran into just not the best people. I wouldn't say this was the worst, but it definitely changed my perspective on people as a whole especially those I  call family. Those same people I thought I could trust also had a lot of control over my life. 

        I wasn't the best with my communication skills as a whole at the time, so I really didn't say much ( also that was a bad habit I picked up from my own household growing up; we had to be silenced for a lot of things so it just kind of stuck in these situations). I had to leave most of my clothes at the house I was staying at with no return, inventory from my handmade jewelry collection that I made myself had to be thrown away, and shoes that were all I had literally. Everything I owned was gone all because I wasn't told about an unexpected move, so as a result left no choice but for them to drop me off at the corner like a stray animal with no one to call or help me. My sister couldn't because she was already housed and had her children. Now at the time I was so angry with her because I knew her boyfriend knew about this entire move, but at the end of the day I really had to look beyond that and not be mad at her. I feel like if I held that grudge on my sister that we would never talk again but I really had to face that situation in real time so I was definitely mad for a while. I eventually just forgave her and had to find out what I had to do to get myself housed.

        I ended up at this LGBTQ homeless shelter called SISU because it was the only one I could go to that was close to the house I was staying at. This was when I realized that I hit rock bottom. Never in my mind did I think I was going to be in a situation where I become homeless especially at a state I'm not from. In all honesty it was so damn embarrassing to be in this space because I didn't deserve what was done to me by people I thought I could trust with my life. I soon found out they really didn't care where I was going. 

    Thank you for reading this portion of the 2022 experience! Now it doesn't end here because we are just getting started on this as a whole. 2022 was a very long year for me so this will be a longer story line than the others I have shared as this was the year I fully was able to be on my own as an adult after the pandemic and high school. This was low key the real introduction to adult life for me rather because it was the first time I moved out of California after being there all my life it was a huge jump of change for me. But hang in there my lovely readers, there will be more on this subject tomorrow as this is only just a smudge of what I experienced this year! God bless and keep moving forward<3

        ~Indigo Vibration<3 1111

Blog Day 5: The Matrix

     Dear God,

    Bless this day for you woke us up on this Monday morning, afternoon, or evening ( or whenever the reader is reading this). Thank you for allowing us to be open minded to change as it is essential to the growth of our lives. Continue to radiate the light that is within us to match who you are and to always keep you #1. We are destined to be the best human beings for this world to flourish in honor of you

        ~In Jesus Name, Amen

        Today's blog will be about my last minute realizations from 2021 and I will begin to start 2022 here full out tomorrow. The experiences leading up to 2022 have shown me so much about my life and how much I allowed many people to control my path as far as direction goes. There were so many times I feel like I failed drastically because of how much those who hurt me made things seem to be in my life. I couldn't see the light at the end of the tunnel for the majority of 2022 which made that one of many long years for me that I have experienced. 

       I really lost control when I got caught up in MLMs like a goof ball ahahah. Honestly I think it's pretty insane that that I lived those realities because the lifestyle seemed so real at the time. Mind you I was at that MLM for quite some time; I believe I was there from the middle of 2020 to the beginning of 2021 in April. At this time I was looking for work but came across the get rich quick scheme route and took it like nothing. I never thought I could get myself into something so crazy but the crazy part is a lot of people get sucked into a life like that and can never come out which in lamest terms can also be called a cult. I definitely think that's what it is and was for sure because there were so many weird a$$ orchestrated chants, levels that you had to rank in order to see success in the business, humiliation rituals 100% going on and so much that I cant even lie to you makes me so sick to my stomach that I even experienced and heard of the horror stories from this whole situation

    I can't even lie to you, I often think about those times in there and wonder where I would be if I never was a part of that. One thing for sure, I know I lost more money than gained money; mind you this MLM has to do with Forex and the Crypto currency market. I also got myself a part of another one in the  beginning of 2022, but it was for solar panels; I could tell they reconstructed the formula of how they present the pyramid schemes to the recruiters they are bringing in. Most times it's a mentor/ mentee situation where you're under someone who is ranked higher than you and they are basically trying to help you get to the same level as them or higher.  This really turns people into natural manipulators, scammers, and all around changes your entire personality because some of these folk who are still in these idolize the big "mentors" in the groups & the CEO of the entire business. It is the scariest crap I've seen just off rip of how robotic most of these people really are thinking that life will last long and trying to get everyone and their families apart of something like this. 

       I can honestly admit that the experiences with the MLMs brought a lot of baggage. It took me a good solid two years to get out of that mentality of the programs, but it did teach me a lot as well. As far as what they claim to be the millionaire mindset, helped me to seek those visions on my own accord. I thank the MLMs for also humbling me because I did get COVID (as well as like 20 who were a part of this craziness) right after leaving and in a way gave me an entire reset for my vessel. I don't wish that life onto anybody because you just might not ever get out of the matrix allowing others to determine where you should be placing yourself in this life time

        ~ Indigo Vibration <3 1111

Blog Day 4: The Aftermath Pt. 2

  Dear Lord,

 We come to you on this Sunday from where we are today to give you thanks for all that you do. You are everything and more to each one of those who are reading this passage. May we all be free in your presence to find new definitions to love. For love is a strong, delicate, profound vibration that shall be treated as such. Allow me to enlighten the weary souls who have yet to find love not even just from another mate, within you as they do for themselves. Break the chains that keep those shacked away from love and give them the glory to attain love in various forms! 

        ~In Jesus Name, Amen

        Here we are back for part 2! Mannn part 1 had me diving deep into the trenches of my memory to get y'all a good chapter lol. All I can really say is 2021 was that huge awakening year for me. This was the year I really started to find out my own identity just off-rip. Most of this time I was obviously turning 21 so I was just excited to explore more, but this was the year I was introduced to various forms of love. One of those being romantic wise of course.

    I wouldn't be too detailed on the situation because there was a ton I had to learn along the way. I believe I dated only two people at the time on a consistent basis, but had some flings as well in between that did not last very long. When I tell you the two that I dated consistently really made me open my eyes at different times. I didn't really have a full on understanding of what love really meant to me back then because it wasn't ever introduced to me as like it was the best thing in the world ( especially sex). Come to think of it I don't think I really had a proper talk about sex until later years when it already happened. Most things were over glorified by pornography which is not realistic love at ALL! Never would I have caught on to those unhealthy patterns of thinking I needed that to guide me to healthy love and sex if I never went through my sexual trauma. In a sense that opened my eyes to not be guided that way so when I met the two men I dated at the time ( one being a queer relationship) I was shocked at how much value I truly carried within myself and just how much others can see the light within me that always used to get dimmed through bullying all my life.

        I can honestly say that they both changed my perspective on how much I can attain love. That it's available for me to access and not just something that is surfaced. I can love unconditionally as long as I love myself authentically. The truth of the matter is I really give huge credit for them planting many seeds for my conscious and subconscious mind to be in alignment for when I got to the age I am today. I feel as though they came into my life and showed me parts of me I never knew existed, how sexy I am/ could really be, expanded my creative mind and ultimately healed parts of my sexual trauma as a whole. I can't thank them enough and I hope they know who they are :)) The best part of all of that is I can still talk to them as they have moved on with their lives and have children and families of their own. They have given that perspective of forgiveness as well and not to carry bitterness in my heart but to see things from both sides to really do that deep diving soul searching. They both low-key some gurus or at least had to been in a past life lmao. Shout out to y'all!! 

        But for now I'd really like to get into the end of 2021 and the beginning of the year 2022 in my next chapters because this ties into a love on all forms aspect as well. I really wanted this chapter to bring light onto situations that have kept me stagnate in love along the way which kind of ties into the year afterwards because it came full throttle with no remorse lol. I can laugh at these times now because I know God only provided me the best after all that I have been through. Once you really start to awaken to his presence and take your intuition seriously , he will always provide no matter what. I really believe we all will find love, but it's what you do with that TRUE definition of it that matters the most. 

            ~Indigo Vibration<3 1111  

Blog Day 3: The Aftermath

 Dear Lord, 

  Allow the reader to be guided with strength and wisdom. Let their minds be free to explore their horizons and be passionate with the dreams they are in store for. For they are truly worthy of your presence to accomplish the goals they are trying to attain in your name. Guide the light that is within us all to get closer to you as we go on our days 

     ~In Jesus Name, Amen

     So for today's chapter I'm just going to do a part 2 because there is a lot to unpack as far as 2021 goes. Most of this is an aftermath of what I had discussed in the previous blog about my real raw experience with trauma for the first time. Of course there will be some about my childhood as well but that may come back in future chapters so for now we will talk about the beginning of the end of the pandemic and how I felt during the times of truly finding myself.

  As the year ended and the recall for COVID bypassed to a short extent, there was a huge stand still in my opinion. It was like once everyone was able to go back outside there was no sense of human connection with anyone in those times of needing that the most. I had lost touch with a lot of people especially those I considered friends when I was in high school (at least in my mind lol; I really had to learn a new definition of he term "friend" after all of this has happened) but that ultimately made me appreciate my own company as well too. 2021 was such an eye opening year for me even before the year began in December of 2020 which is where I officially connected with my soul family ( shout out to y'all<3 ) and began to see life in such a different light because of them!

  Finding my soul family and wanting to be in connection with a partner were probably the two things I wanted the most. All because of that time being away I really started to recognize a part of my soul's purpose here on Earth. I always wanted to share my life with someone but also have generational wealth among like minded individuals who wanted the same thing. At this time in my life I was in my early 20s ( wasn't that long ago lol but you know what I mean) and I had no idea what I could get myself into creative wise because I lost touch of my talents just being told not to showcase them for so long. But once I broke into certain parts of me while going through the radar of my truth there was no stopping me. My soul tribe truly inspires who I am today because they showed me that my vessel was beautiful inside and out especially as a darker melanated woman at the time of the world oppressing us once again. It felt great to be seen in that light and to honor our ancestors with pride. 

  I'll never forget how that room felt and the way we all expressed ourselves just by vibrating with the rays of the sun. It was such a powerful testimony that I can truly show my future children when they come to the earth side. But honestly I went through a lot as well just with my love life too. I was a very selfish lover at the time, very conflicted on what it really meant to me after being sexually assaulted because in all honesty I didn't trust for a very long time. It was a lot to unfold but eventually there were multiple awakening I had to have before I was in alignment to fully commit to another person and for me to not chase but to attract was I am truly asking for. 

  For now I'll stop here because there might be more than one part of the 2021 era lol. I just realized there are certain stories I want to tell y'all because my life is a movie for real ahahaha. I'm just glad I can give the people what they want especially those who actually like to read real stories. Not enough of people are telling their stories, so I want to be at least one of many who are doing so now to inspire others to do the same. I look forward to making more of these as I love to express authentically and hopefully one day this whole thing can be discussed on a podcast too spread to more beautiful people like yourself! Thank you again and I'll see y'all in the next one<3

     ~Indigo Vibration<3 1111

Blog Day 2: The Beginning

    Dear Lord,

       Allow those who read this passage to gain new ways to achieve their own personal growth; obtaining their own formula to be in alignment with who you are to them in these present moments right now. Keep every reader in your loving grace as they go on this journey of self rediscovery and find the light that is within them as I have as well. Protect their minds Lord, for they are seeking guidance in you name more than anything right now with whatever it is that is keeping them weighted down.

             ~In Jesus Name, Amen

    To really start this blog off there is a lot to unpack within such an expanded platform. But for starters I will begin with the years 2020-2023 as these are very important time frames to where I am in these present moments. Moments of our lives that probably seemed like a whole illusion turned out to be a whole social experiment for the whole world. A lot of that time spent in 2020 were of me enduring a lot of trauma from being sexually assaulted at just 19 years of age (due to a manipulative antic I had got myself into) to me being reliant on substances to feel the numbness of such experiences. No one really knew these things could happen or happened to me at all and at times I didn't even believe it myself because it couldn't have been true, but it was. 

    As 2020 emerged I really didn't know what life was supposed to look like considering I just graduated high school in 2019. The times after high school just seemed like a blur for the sole fact of it being the beginning stages for my adulthood and overall women-hood. I'm sure a lot of you have felt like these times of our lives were like a scam (especially those who have had to graduate/ go to school during an entire pandemic) where it was never ending cycles. Most times those cycles were recurring just due to the lack of knowledge to self rediscovery. I for one, didn't conform to my healing journey full on until I had to sit with myself for those long extended time frames. Not a day goes by where I don't think of how much time was wasted as well.

     Me getting high and drunk majority of that time didn't really get me too far; and with all humbleness a lot of my mental health has held me back tremendously because I didn't believe nor love myself enough to seek validation from within, but was more focused on how others viewed me/felt about me. Also with the B.L.M. rallies and riots it took me to places I never thought I had to go through mentally at such a young age (and I can't stress this enough that all of this happened right after high school too smh). I always had the notion that I had to look outside of myself for the answers as well; but when I discovered what your "gut feeling" really conforms into being (that thing in particular is your intuition) changed my life forever. In religious terms, you are gaining more knowledge & direction from God himself; once you start to come closer to your intuition, the closer you get to developing a relationship with your own life. You start to really love YOU and brush off any oppressors who think otherwise. That's really where you find your power and this is where we gotta get back to in 2025.

     All this to say, 2020 was the staple to the foundation of where most people are at today. It's either you woke up to the power you have within or you simply are still trying to figure out the missing pieces. But don't take it personal when I say that because it's literally apart of the human experience. As much as we don't want to go through certain aspects of life/withholding triggers and trauma, God only will bring them to you for you to heal them but more so as a reminder to not forget about your healing process. There is so much to see and so much to do with this life we live so lets try our best to defeat the enemy one step at a time! If you didn't get this today or don't feel it in yourself at the moment, just know I see you, honor you and cherish your world just as much as God does for you<3 

            ~Indigo Vibration <3 1111

    P.S. ; I'd like to take this time to thank each and everyone who has read my blog so far or have just simply skimmed through it! All the love is much felt from everywhere everyone is at in these present moments. Just a heads up to those who want to keep up with these blogs when posted; I've been playing around with the site a bit and discovered there is an app for this site as well! The app is called "Blogger" with the same logo. I believe if you just log in with your gmail account and follow me that it should give you proper updates. Either way if you are on social media, most of the updates are going to be posted via Instagram or Facebook. I will also in the near future be making separate accounts to accommodate from my blog to my personal accounts just to keep things more organized, but we shall see how things go :) I hope everyone enjoys the rest of their Friday! Stay safe and keep God #1, I
love you all <3

2020

2019

Blog Day 1: The Introduction

    I can't lie to you life is pretty great! Well, at least that's how I view it in a sense now that I'm in a more stable place in my life. You see, my life really began when I moved to Cleveland, OH where I somehow didn't know what I was in store for. By the way my name is Angela but everyone calls me Indigo for various reasons  but we'll get into that at another chapter of these blogs. As I dive deep into the life that is of me and my grieving journey as a mother, I'd first like to thank you all ( where ever or how ever you have found this page) for reading just a gist of where I am in these present moments where we can build a community in unity to honor our sweet babies in heaven. I also would love to give God some thanks as well as start these blogs off with an introduction prayer for us to ground ourselves ( and yes I say "ourselves" as some topics can be very heavy at times just with what I have experienced; in a way I have to relive these moments while also helping myself release from these heavy weights) as well as being present with the Lord for our healing processes. So with that said let us pray to close out this introduction to the beginning of a new era for us all!             ~ Indigo Vibration<3 1111 

           Dear Lord, 

   Thank you for this day that you have made. We come to you for your guidance, strength, & your ability to hold us in your arms as we unveil the truth that is in your word Lord. Bless us as we endure these new realities and transformative times  without our precious children that you have called home. Thank you for taking care of them as they help guide us here in the realm of the living, for you are an able God, a Noble God who is so good to us who are weary. Continue to cover us as we read these passages and allow us to meditate deeper to receive any direction and/or knowledge to help us along the way of our changes and to never forget that you are our #1 source to a life of holiness

             

~ In Jesus Name, Amen