Blog Day 8: The Illusion

 Dear Lord,

    We come forth to you today with the most grace and wisdom today. There is nobody like you; the love you carry, the clarity given, and the breakthroughs that bring our life the willingness to live more for you. Personally, we need you at all times even in our most darkest times but also the beauty of our madness is what makes us move forward with more discernment to be closer to you. Awaken the pain that lies within in order for it to be released with more of a clearer innerstanding of where you are leading the way

    ~In Jesus Name, Amen

        With this blog I will be discussing the life I spent being with my daughter's father and just bringing to light what I was feeling during these times of my high risk pregnancy. There are a lot of emotions pertaining to this topic as this is the sole reasoning of me bringing this blog to life. I needed my story to be told in MY WORDS, MY EXPERIENCE. There are two sides to every story, so this will be the best release I received in a long while from this situation since our separation occurred. 

    I was only 21 years old when I met Mr. Ivy ( that's all I'ma call him ) and I was living in Arizona at the time. The time I met him was so abrupt, but I was open to the idea. I posted a video of me dancing like I always did especially around that time. Somehow that post got a lot of algorithms and he ended up commenting under my post. I saw how much he admired me in my creative nature which was such an easy way to get me to be with anyone back then because I never really believed to give it to myself. Once he commented we just ended up continuing our conversation through direct message. It was a casual conversation at first like talking about where we were, where we were from, how old we are, ya know the basics of knowing a human being lol. It got to a point where we started talking about our past with our exes and how much he was done wrong by his. I made space for him to be vulnerable which made him instantly tell me he loved me. As I think of it now that shit was diabolical, but at the time I never had a real  definition of what love was because I was just getting hurt over and over; with Mr. Ivy expressing his feelings of openness, it made me very attracted to him.

    This is all tied into the blog from yesterday & the day prior (I believe) where I was talking about my move from California to Arizona to Oklahoma which is where we continued talking as I endured all of the homelessness. He stayed even when I was thrown out on the street, having to deal with toxic people who were harassing me and my family from a far ( silent insults; they never knew what was said because it was out of anger/ to trigger intentionally), and even when I was at the shelter for a brief time. We had many talks of me moving to Ohio to live with him and to just start life like having kids, us getting married, and being a step mother to his already present children ( being a step mom at 21 years is crazyyyy). It was all great and all but there I knew in my spirit there was always something nerve racking about a move like that. 

    I was very close to making that move once I landed at SISU, but he got mad at the fact that I didn't stay there to make to money to move, but I ended up going with the girl I met at the shelter from my previous blog yesterday. So, me going to the mall with her that day and talking to Mr. Ivy on the phone while he blatantly  destroyed my entire character because I simply was stranded  outside in 100+ degree weather, made me so numb to my core. I have never been cursed out and literally abused like that ever in my life, not even from my own siblings. MK ( which is how I will address the ex friend from the previous blog) told me to simply block the man as he continued to be abusive through text messages. All I could do at that time was just cry on her shoulder as she looked at me concerned for my well-being. 

      To keep a long story short, once I moved back to California and lived with my family it was 4-5 months since we stopped talking, I began to reflect on my life as a whole. He came to my mind and I ended up face-timing him to apologize to him for ghosting. All he was doing was smiling and just overall happy I called him back. He said I love you but I did not say it back because I didn't want to say what I didn't feel for him at the time. After MK and I left my family's ranch to live at shelters again we found ourselves at a domestic violence shelter because of something that happened prior at the one we were at before ( might be a separate blog of its own). While we are there I am still talking to Mr. Ivy. At this time as well I was not  talking to MK as we stopped being friends for her constant insult and low key obsession with wanting us to be together so damn bad ( this was just how I felt at the time ). He gave me some amazing pointers on how to leave a situation like that and was going through something similar as well. There was a brief hold on our conversation as we got arrested for a misdemeanor from the person he was living with but ended up getting his own spot eventually which he opened the door for me once he knew I was ready to be with him. 

    I leave the shelter after having to be harassed by my old friend which was very exhausting to let go of because she was not letting shit go and insulted/ harassed me all the way till I left the house. Luckily the shelter provided me with the Greyhound ticket from Stockton, CA to Cleveland, OH. I had my entire life packed up as I left the over weighted junk that was not needed back in California. Nothing was gonna stop me from being with Mr. Ivy.

        I traveled 4 long, excruciating days from December 21st to December 24th ( never again on the holiday ouuu weeee) of 2022 just to be with Mr. Ivy not even knowing what I got myself into. When I saw him in person for the first time ever I couldn't believe my eyes at how much I really loved that man for doing what he did for me. For making a way for me even if there was a risk being taken, he just wanted to make sure I was safe. Unfortunately the landlord who was also his mentor didn't know I was going to be living at the apartment with him as they set up an agreement before hand, but Mr. Ivy failed to inform them of my living situation so we ended up having to leave ( mind you this was like my 3rd day in Cleveland and a random woman I just met that same day is telling me I have to go back to California that NIGHT; truly insane). I also lost my eldest brother at the time of this to pneumonia, so you can only imagine the emotions that lead up to the unexpected move.

    Well one thing I can say about Mr. Ivy is he's gonna find a way to not be in those type of positions for too long. We ended up renting a room from Facebook Marketplace and we moved into the space that same night. I never knew a man could be this dedicated to his woman like the way he did it for me, I felt proud being his woman. A few days go by and we are cuddling on the bed watching a movie. Mr. Ivy was rubbing on my stomach when he said to me, " Are you pregnant?" Now I'm sitting there like you gotta be kidding me, but at the same time we were having so much sex when I first came out here and it was very very unprotected, so there was for sure a chance I was but I did not believe it. He only knew that I was because he had already been through it prior. I took a pregnancy test the day after but he lines were too faint so it had to been to early to know.

    We waited about two weeks till we got two more tests and they both (clear as day) came back as positive. I didn't even know how to sit with that because I felt like I was not ready, but then again it was with someone I loved and we talked about it so I saw no issue. Mr. Ivy on the other hand did not feel like it was the best idea to go along with the pregnancy because we planned for us to get pregnant when I was 25 years old. He gave me the choice to terminate or for us to just keep our baby. My decision was solid and I wanted to keep our baby because I know this is something we wanted and I didn't think it would've mattered if I kept our baby. I did not consider his feelings on my decision making, so it kind of clashed because his reaction was not the happiest at all. He was still supporting me even when I had to leave my job, he was pretty much like a whole other care giver to me. 

    I'm 15 weeks in and I had a blood test to do for the doctors to detect anything as far as health for the baby and me. I got a phone call a few days later with the test results saying that they got an error in my baby's chromosomes which could either have meant that she would've had down syndrome or that the pregnancy. They performed a procedure on me called an amniocentesis which is a test that involves them removing a small amount of my amniotic fluid by insertion of a needle in my abdominal. Never would I have thought that was gonna happen to me and even when it was over I did not feel right. I didn't even make that rash decision because I wanted to, but because Mr. Ivy thought it was what was best for me. 

    When that happened my life was never the same. I didn't have no wave of control over my life and pretty much had to let everyone else make those decisions for me. They also gave me the option to terminate my daughter while I was 18 weeks pregnant because the diagnosis of Trisomy 18 would have been fatal to her. Even if I wanted to do so it would've been so hard to do this as there were many prices and travel expenses we would have to worry about. For me it wouldn't have made any difference because I was already so far along plus going to the appointments, but as a mother I was not gonna give up on my child no matter what they said I wanted to her to be with me the entire time but unfortunately her dad wanted me to go through with it for it was too hard to bear seeing me in a light of grief by having to endure a birth and not being able to take my baby home. I guess you can say he was just looking out for me when it came to my situation but it wouldn't have changed anything because I would've still been in a grievance over my daughter had I terminated her at that time. 

    All I wanted was to hold her, kiss her, and just look at her. Nothing more, nothing less. I always knew about my baby's well being but I was the only one advocating for her physically. I was all she had so I had no other choice but to go through the radar for her ( I'd do it all over if that means I can see her again). As for Mr. Ivy, he wasn't the worst, but it was not the best. I loved him even during the times I felt like it was just me. Most of that time he wasn't fully present with me as he had other dreams to just be poly and finding other women to be a part of this dynamic we built together. Even got as far as actually having that happen and lasted till I had my daughter September 7, 2023 and afterwards. It was so not the best idea we made as a couple going through that; i'd never do that again because hurt not only me but the woman as well who was involved in something she had no idea of what was to come with it all. A year later of this happening, Mr. Ivy and I moved out of the toxic house we rented the room and moved into our own apartment after all of our trials and tribulations. But we only lasted a year there, until we broke up and he moved out with everything leaving me with nothing; not even a bed to sleep on or essentials to feed myself or wipe myself.

     Anyway, as I wrap this portion of my story up, I'd just like to say these parting words before I go. If there is any chance Mr. Ivy sees this I'd like to say this: I am not mad at you nor will I ever be. The experience I had with you has changed my life to the fullest extent to a point where I didn't even know who I was before meeting you, but you helped a lot. Both the good and bad exchange of words motivated me to be a better person not only for myself but to show up for what is divinely right in my life. Thank you for contributing to creating our daughter, our sweet girl in heaven, and the light of my life. I also would like to thank you for guiding me to Ohio as I have found stability in many forms from not just my own teachings/ researches but from you introducing me to your beautiful family and meeting your beautiful children. 

    Nothing will be the same and I hope you know I will never be the 21 year old girl you met back in 2022. I'm all woman, a mother, a child of God, and someone who is deserving of many more blessings than recurring cycles that will just keep me down. I'm still going to therapy and taking my meds, talking to God as well as our daughter, and my life is finally in order with someone who really loves me in all of my forms. I hope God has blessed you with the same, because the pain we endured and us having to see our daughter lifeless the way we did, I know it was so hard for you to see her and me like that. I really hope wherever you are that you are doing your best to get to a more stable place in your life and to always keep God #1. I pray you find the guidance that is in alignment with you for your life; I will never forget what you have done for me. Again I will always hold space for  these times and keep you in my prayers even if you don't care to receive them for me; your well-being for you life matters so if there is anything you can do for me, just please give your life back to God, save your soul from lingering spirits and always move with healthy intentions that will keep things strong in a foundation. I wish you nothing but the best and thank you for this new reality as I escaped the illusion.

                                                        San Francisco, California, February 2024

    ~Indigo Vibration <3 1111