Blog Day 12: The Forms Pt 2

Dear Lord,

    As we continue the topic of grief, allow us all to be healthy in this process of getting to know who we are in these new realities. Allow us to take note of what is happening to us all in the times of these moments, but to also let us all be in state of minds and wavelengths to attain the blessings that are presented when we are ready to receive them in your holy name. 

        ~In Jesus Name, Amen

        Let's just jump into part 2 of this topic shall we! Another form of grief that people may or may not have experienced is also Inhibited grief. This is a grief form that involves someone repressing their emotions from the loss itself. It can also come in a way of confusion to the person as well; most situations where someone is grieving a loss can come to a surprise to many. Some people really don't realize this is the form of grief that arises when things happen. It can lead to a lot of anxiety, insomnia, and many more physical symptoms that can cause the body to react. I have had many incidences where I had to suppress my grief to please others in their comfort to be around me during the beginning stages of my own experiences with grief. I didn't really have a voice to say what I felt for a long time, until I started to go to grief therapy. It is such a weird feeling doing something as simple as speaking to someone you don't really know too well, but in a way it is still very comforting as they are literally there to hear you tell your story and give you ways to navigated through the grieving process as a whole; I highly recommend this route if this is a grief you are experiencing because there are many forms of therapy not just on a verbal stand point.

   The next form of grief I will be speaking on is Anticipatory grief which in lamest turns is a form of grief that involves the grief before the actual loss happens. This process of grief allows the person to not only find peace in where their loved one or self may transition off to, but it also is like a preparation of what is to come rather it being an unexpected event. It is always important to allow yourself the space to grieve in a proper setting so you can breathe more life into the pain that arises. Sometimes when we get to this point in our grief we can feel a sense of guilt or unsettling feelings when we move on with life without these people or even having to experience death on our own terms. But when God is with you he will make sure you are in his hands with everything that goes on. In a way you don't feel worried about the outcome of things, as the comfort of transitioning to the spirit world can bring you more joy than anything. I felt these ways when knowing my daughter was going to pass away as well. There were times where I was indeed in denial but I was able to pull through knowing her conditions were not the best and that she would be at peace not having to endure drastic measures. Coping with this kind of grief can consist of any type of curriculum activities such as coloring or drawing as well as making music for these emotions. 

    The healing journey from many of these forms of grief can come in many shapes and sizes. A lot of times people result into substances to hide from the pain as it is the easiest way to mask the feeling. In all realness, this doesn't do much for us on a scale of wanting to heal but rather it hurts the space we can be using to create a new for ourselves. We have to live for these beautiful souls who graced upon our lives for divine reasons that are to be discussed between you and the most high. I'm honored to have the space to help those in need of whatever they may be going through as these are things most don't seek to find, but as long as you are wanting to see divine results for your life, you will do anything to make sure the path that you are leading yourself on is pure for your soul. I'm wishing for an abundance of healing to bestow upon each and every one of you who have been consistent with me or who are just now finding out about this hidden gem of a blog! <3

        ~Indigo Vibration<3 1111

Source(s) Down Bellow:

https://my.clevelandclinic.org/health/diseases/24787-grief

Blog Day 11: The Forms

 Dear Lord,

    As we go on by our days let us never forget the power of you that lives within us. Bless us as we heal our hearts from grief in any form that may show up for us. Allow us to cleanse our souls and purify our minds from any harm that has been done in our past or our present so we can properly prepare for our fruitful future. We are open to receiving all that is for us and will remain consistent in the growth that will bring us closer to you.

        ~In Jesus Name, Amen

    As we embark on the 11th day of "Testimonies and Transformations", I'd like to acknowledge the elephant in the room. I know there are many people who have experienced what I endured losing my daughter, but I also have been in other forms of grief as well while dealing with this one in particular. I wanted to just spread awareness for these specific ones and will leave the source links to my research on this topic of the forms of grief.

    So for starters lets speak on the subject of grief in the form of worldly situations. In these cases it is called Ecological grief which is a form of grief that causes the mind to feel worried for the future outcome of things like climate change, environmental destruction or being a witness to constant news flashes of worldly issues (aka Collective grief). Most of this can be caused by anxiety & numbness which I can 100% inner stand as this has been a current thing we as Americans have to deal with. I wouldn't go too far into the political world, but this does have a huge part in the effect of our mental health being toyed with for so long on this subject. Not a lot of people realize it, but in truth I feel like there are a lot of ways that the government can control the minds of the people here in America by creating fear based tactics to keep us in this state of mind. An example of this for instance with TikTok being banned it took a toll on a huge amount of people not even in America alone, but others who use it in other countries as well were probably affected.  As you see, they can take from us but also bring things back in the nick of time as you know that TikTok has a lot of algorithms around worldly things to keep us in alignment. Some coping mechanisms that can help consist of speaking to those like minded individuals you can trust or non-verbal acts like writing in a journal can help relieve a lot of the internal turmoil with from this form of grief. You can also attend gatherings to get involved with the movement acts locally to support those in need.

    Another form of grief I'd like to speak on is Disenfranchised grief. This is a form of grief that happens after a loss of a loved one who is not being remembered or valued properly by those around. The loss doesn't always have to be on a physical scale in these cases, but people can embark on loss of a relationship not being as valuable to the other person as it is to you too. For this form many have experienced ( including myself) the feeling of having someone not know about a grief experience or loss in that sense where you want others to acknowledge the impact that person has on your life. In a way it's like there is that voice in our minds that seeks the validation of the presences of these important people or things to us that we have cherished for long periods of lifetimes. I know that this was hard on my end when I didn't really publicly put out there that I was pregnant with my daughter until she passed away. Many people were shocked about it and didn't know how to approach me ( as I've said before in previous blogs) when finding out about my sweet girl's transitioning on. The realizations I attained that helped me cope with this was being more open about my testimony, but first finding the words to express my feelings. Also support groups, medication(If needed) , and grief therapy/ art therapy has helped me tremendously with letting my hands do the talking and also hearing others' stories made me feel less alone in wanting acknowledgement. 

    For now I will stop at these two because there is a lot  to unpack all in one passage and you guys will be reading this one forever if I put everything in here at once lol. I will make a part 2 on this subject for a more deep dive of what other forms of grief there are. I want all my readers who find me to feel seen in all ways. I made this blog in order to tell my story yes, but I also like to bring forth topics not a lot of people are speaking on in this day in age. It's time to shine light on all things as we continue to evolve ourselves in such a closeted world; I hope I helped someone a bit with this one today, but for now I'll see y'all tomorrow!

            ~Indigo Vibration<3 1111

Sources Are Below:

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/books/NBK591827/

https://ucalgary.ca/news/eco-grief-how-cope-emotional-impacts-climate-change

Blog Day 10: The Balance

 Dear Lord, 

Bless this Sunday morning for we have risen today. Anoint the words that bestow the reader today as they find the balance of work life after a loss of a loved one. Allow the reader to be present in your light to open their minds the the knowledge that is given. Breathe more life into us Lord so we can continue to show up for your chosen people and never let us be burnt out to the point we can't grow with you alongside us all.

    ~In Jesus Name, Amen

    As some know and for those who don't, today's blog will be a reader's choice topic. I put a question suggestion box on my Instagram story and got a great topic to work with from my beautiful and talented soul sister, Irie Woods! She suggested I speak on the subject matter of balancing the work requirements at a job after the loss of my daughter. I loved this topic because I didn't really think to speak on this as I am still on this journey of balancing it all out as we speak so it never just came to mind. I really appreciate Irie for this suggestion and I hope this passage can shed some light and balance not just for her but for anyone who is also struggling with this as well.

  I'll start this blog on just how much that alone affected my well-being but also how I found the balance in all of this madness of a shifted reality. I knew after I lost my daughter that I'd have to go back into the work force. I couldn't really picture myself anywhere as I was just undergoing so much pain and aching in my soul but also my body was still not present with the times. I worked not even a month after I lost my sweet girl because of Mr. Ivy telling me I had to do so in order for us to have funds to pay bills at the apartment we received right after the fact. It was really hard on my body when I started back up like my body felt like jumbled up bones in a bag from how much my body was stretched out during pregnancy that the after math of all of that just had my body in shambles with only working an 8 hour shift. 

    The first job I received postpartum was a janitorial job at a women's and children's shelter. I was cleaning showers, classrooms, offices, the cafeteria, the bathrooms, the hall ways ect. Mind you all of this had to be done within 4 hours of me working which in my mind at first wasn't gonna be a lot but I was definitely wrong about all of that. This was one of the most excruciating pains I had just bending down ( after having an epidural in my back) kneeling, standing long hours, it all took such a huge toll on my body.  After a while they eventually did fire me because I could not perform the tasks at the specific time which I was willing to accept because I physically couldn't do any of it. 

    Fast forward a month later and my friend at the time who I had met through creative exchange told me about an opportunity to work with children at a Charter school. My job simply was to be a teacher's aide and help around the classes. I also took on the role of being a substitute teacher as well as I taught Kinder garden and 2nd grade math and phonics. It was such an interesting yet one of the biggest learning experiences of my life as this is something I literally used to write about in my writing prompts when I was a scholar as well. One thing about me I always want to serve my people no matter what, but I always had a passion for working with the youth because they are our future EVERYTHING! As this was such a hard but eye opening  job as this was an introduction to the school system here in Ohio and the direction they were taking the children there. 

    I had to endure many new obstacles working there because the students had a ton of inconsistency the entire year and prior to that as well. A lot of adults gave up on the kids so it was a lot of shoes to fill during this time as they all needed much attention and academically they needed us the most otherwise the school was gonna shut down depending on their test scores. Unfortunately, I ended up leaving before all of this transpired because of my mental health. It got to the point where the kids started to lost control but more so patience with the changes as we kept losing teachers. I didn't want to leave them as I bonded with every scholar that was in the building but I also had to deal with my postpartum as well as a Mr. Ivy and I were not seeing eye to eye leading up to our very long break up. I went through a lot of emotional turmoil which put me in a position to want to do better for myself. 

    And just when I thought things were going bad they only got better after all of this happened last school year. After this happened, I got blessed with another job doing the same thing but at a Catholic school with such a more structured nature that was surrounded by God's glory and also being a tutor for 7th and 8th grade students. I was so thrilled to be in this space because as it is still a job for me to be there to attend to the children, it was more rewarding because they gave me more time to balance my personal life as well as enjoying my work life. 

    Sometimes God puts you into positions to shed light on certain situations like the ones I had to go through. Despite the feelings of my loss and the environment being around kids after such a great loss, I learned that this was given to me to pour in the love I would've given to my daughter into children who desperately needed it. Most of their days are spent at school which a lot of us never wanted to go to, but as long as there were those good teachers that show up for you  it was worth going every single day. I thank God for the position I have in these children's lives because it ultimately breathes life into me on levels that can never be explained. I never thought I'd find a job that is actually healing me but I can honestly say this is something I can do for the rest of my life in so many forms. Being told the impact I have on those kids and them opening telling how great of a teacher I am or how much they just don't want to leave me because they love working with me, is all I need to keep this passion on fire. 

    Without us there would be no them, so I encourage you all to keep going at it with whatever you enjoy doing that breathes life into you. Don't ever settle for less and definitely don't burn yourself out to the point you don't want to do it anymore. A lot of people lose their fire when it gets overworked, so start creating an  agenda for your day so you don't stress so much on the time frames of things being done. Eventually once you cant find your organized routine things start to flow more naturally than before; don't give up on the vision regardless of the work that needs to be done. God can give your blessing onto others if you are not willing to catch them when they are presented to you. Always move by faith and not by sight as this can create more stress than progress. We are only human so just be mindful with your timing and make sure there is time in there for you to still enjoy your life as well in all of it's simplicity.

        ~Indigo Vibration<3 1111

    

Blog Day 9: The Grieving Mother

 Dear Lord, 

  Breathe strength into my mind, faith in my hands, & freedom in my spirit to tell my story. Allow those who gaze upon my words or those who fully digest what I am about to express find peace in their own state of mind. Allow me to be a walking testimony for those who are grieving a loved one especially those who have experienced my own pain as a grieving mother. Let them know that the enemy has not won, that the Lord is just getting started with them on what new challenges but also so much more beauty is behind the madness of our minds. Purify our souls God, for we are all open to your holiness.

    ~In Jesus Name, Amen

        It's with great honor that I get to talk about my favorite human being in the whole entire world! Ughhh you don't even know how excited I've been to type out this blog today especially as we wrap up January with such a beautiful rendition of what I experienced as a first time mother to my child. This was the hardest thing that I have ever endured as a woman, but it hurt me more as a mother not being able to experience all the things I wanted to with my sweet girl. Just seeing her was more than enough for me to give her to God and our ancestors.

    I kind of gave my own gist of what my pregnancy looked like in yesterday's passage. It was such a pain to go through all of this at such a young age too. Considering this was my first child, I thought something like this couldn't happen, but I was so wrong. I had an idea of pregnancy & infant loss but to be in the mist of the experience of it puts a whole different toll on your mind, body, and spirit. You think everything everyone says is a lie concerning your kid, when they tell you she may not make it, or telling you if you don't do x, y, or z that you could potentially die too if you don't get her out of you. So many emotions and actions can happen in the mist of a 9 month pregnancy.

      You really gotta have the most supportive village around and not just some random humans with immortal intentions that are not pure. You can't trust that everyone is happy for you because a lot of people want to hurt you intentionally. The life I endured during those 9 months was something I learned the most about myself. I learned to connect deeper into my vessel while also bringing another life here. As for my daughter, she fought a good fight with me but also knew that wasn't the life she wanted to live. Being connected through blood, cores, life source in my body there was not enough love around me nor were there any pure hands to nurture/ develop/ support my child at the time Mr. Ivy and I were together living in a rented room. That alone was such a hard pill to swallow. 

    I was told so much and remember so much from this time even after the fact as well. Not a lot of people even knew I got pregnant in the first place and at times I really didn't want anyone to know I was. People who did know, but didn't know she passed always say, " So where's your baby?" or " You had a baby on us and didn't even know congratulations!" or  "How old is the baby now". So many emotions brew when I get asked stuff like that or if people ask if I do have children which puts me in awkward positions as I have to bring a mood down by telling my testimony. Honestly after like 10 months postpartum I stopped giving a fuck about really any second hand embarrassment over my kid because this is some I'm so honored to have had the pleasure of developing as far as she did. The most amazing girl in the world she is to me because she is my reflection.

    The reflection of me in a whole other human being was enough for me because I wasn't the only one who seen who divine light, but everyone who was able to meet her knew she would've been such a power house for this world. Her first name means goddess of light/ wisdom, her middle name meaning the eternal supreme creator and her last name being another name for vine or evergreen plant. All that to say, I carried an entire deity. God chose me to carry this life to know who he truly is to me and what he does for me to protect me in this lifetime. As much as I loved her father, I knew through him not showing up for me the ways I truly needed that he just wasn't going to feed my daughter or I the things that we truly need to know he was going to support us in every way possible. It was so hard to regain trust back into that connection as I was getting mentally, spiritually, and verbally abused. Sometimes physically as well as I had many and can't stress you enough, many panic attacks that almost cost me my own life as well as my daughters. 

    There were times as well where her father would not be checked out and at a point checked out completely from his daughter and I when he found out she wasn't going to make it. It was like he accepted the fact she was dying inside of me ( and I accepted as well) but he never honored nor advocated for us like I was hoping he would. I was even told by the woman we dated that " God is punishing you for keeping her this long, that's why she is dying" and " Mr. Ivy is only mad at you because you decided to keep her and not follow through with the plan." without even knowing who he truly was as a partner during this time. It hurt so much to know there were so many people praying on my downfall as a mother. In a way I knew this was going to come with the title as people have so much to say with no type of back bone to be a support system but they rather belittle. It's disheartening  to say the least but at the same time eye opening.

    For once in my life I was able to pull the veil over my eyes. Me allowing people to provoke me into being something that I am not brought me into a state of mind of not wanting to live on earth anymore. I even got sent to the mental hospital 11 months postpartum because the abuse I endured from my daughter's father sent me into a nervous breakdown to the point I wanted to just be with my daughter and not the world I was living in. I really hated myself because of someone who wanted me to go " back to normal" when that definition as a whole was reconstructed from me. I didn't know what normal was at all nor did the definition sit well with me. Nothing that happened to me was normal at all.

    Now we are a year into this grieving journey and my life has drastically changed. The perspective that I had a month to six months of it freshly happening to it now being almost two years has amazed me in ways that made me feel like none of this ever happened. It started to feel like an illusion at times too but I am often reminded of the emptiness within my womb space or the postpartum flutters of my baby's little kicks. Having her a day before my 23rd birthday showed me more than I knew I needed. She was and still is the best gift God gave to me and I will never forget what this has done for me. 

    I hope I can give any mother, father, grandparent, or anyone who is connected to another's child that has passed on; just know you are not alone. Don't let anyone make you feel like what you are doing for your child and to honor your child is the wrong thing. Nothing can be a wrong thing as long as it's honorable &respectful to the deceased. Ultimately our loved ones want us to continue to keep them in our minds and on our hearts as we are more connected to the spiritual world than we know it. Anyone who is struggling to release the aching feelings, try writing more to these loved ones, make more art surrounding them/ expressing your emotions, journal, start a blog ( like I did with mine), and reconnect your soul with God as he is the main source to where our beautiful angels are resting peacefully.  

                ~ Indigo Vibration <3 1111

Theia Nyame Ivy

September 7, 2023 @11:11 am; 3 lb, 12.9 oz, 1726 g

~Mommy Loves you my angel <3~

    "The Lord is my Shepard, I shall not want. He makes me lie down in the green pastures. He leads me beside still waters. He restores my soul. He leads me in paths of righteousness for his name's sake. even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will not fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me. You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies; you anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows. Surely goodness and love will follow me all the day of my life, and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever" Psalm 23: 1-6

Blog Day 8: The Illusion

 Dear Lord,

    We come forth to you today with the most grace and wisdom today. There is nobody like you; the love you carry, the clarity given, and the breakthroughs that bring our life the willingness to live more for you. Personally, we need you at all times even in our most darkest times but also the beauty of our madness is what makes us move forward with more discernment to be closer to you. Awaken the pain that lies within in order for it to be released with more of a clearer innerstanding of where you are leading the way

    ~In Jesus Name, Amen

        With this blog I will be discussing the life I spent being with my daughter's father and just bringing to light what I was feeling during these times of my high risk pregnancy. There are a lot of emotions pertaining to this topic as this is the sole reasoning of me bringing this blog to life. I needed my story to be told in MY WORDS, MY EXPERIENCE. There are two sides to every story, so this will be the best release I received in a long while from this situation since our separation occurred. 

    I was only 21 years old when I met Mr. Ivy ( that's all I'ma call him ) and I was living in Arizona at the time. The time I met him was so abrupt, but I was open to the idea. I posted a video of me dancing like I always did especially around that time. Somehow that post got a lot of algorithms and he ended up commenting under my post. I saw how much he admired me in my creative nature which was such an easy way to get me to be with anyone back then because I never really believed to give it to myself. Once he commented we just ended up continuing our conversation through direct message. It was a casual conversation at first like talking about where we were, where we were from, how old we are, ya know the basics of knowing a human being lol. It got to a point where we started talking about our past with our exes and how much he was done wrong by his. I made space for him to be vulnerable which made him instantly tell me he loved me. As I think of it now that shit was diabolical, but at the time I never had a real  definition of what love was because I was just getting hurt over and over; with Mr. Ivy expressing his feelings of openness, it made me very attracted to him.

    This is all tied into the blog from yesterday & the day prior (I believe) where I was talking about my move from California to Arizona to Oklahoma which is where we continued talking as I endured all of the homelessness. He stayed even when I was thrown out on the street, having to deal with toxic people who were harassing me and my family from a far ( silent insults; they never knew what was said because it was out of anger/ to trigger intentionally), and even when I was at the shelter for a brief time. We had many talks of me moving to Ohio to live with him and to just start life like having kids, us getting married, and being a step mother to his already present children ( being a step mom at 21 years is crazyyyy). It was all great and all but there I knew in my spirit there was always something nerve racking about a move like that. 

    I was very close to making that move once I landed at SISU, but he got mad at the fact that I didn't stay there to make to money to move, but I ended up going with the girl I met at the shelter from my previous blog yesterday. So, me going to the mall with her that day and talking to Mr. Ivy on the phone while he blatantly  destroyed my entire character because I simply was stranded  outside in 100+ degree weather, made me so numb to my core. I have never been cursed out and literally abused like that ever in my life, not even from my own siblings. MK ( which is how I will address the ex friend from the previous blog) told me to simply block the man as he continued to be abusive through text messages. All I could do at that time was just cry on her shoulder as she looked at me concerned for my well-being. 

      To keep a long story short, once I moved back to California and lived with my family it was 4-5 months since we stopped talking, I began to reflect on my life as a whole. He came to my mind and I ended up face-timing him to apologize to him for ghosting. All he was doing was smiling and just overall happy I called him back. He said I love you but I did not say it back because I didn't want to say what I didn't feel for him at the time. After MK and I left my family's ranch to live at shelters again we found ourselves at a domestic violence shelter because of something that happened prior at the one we were at before ( might be a separate blog of its own). While we are there I am still talking to Mr. Ivy. At this time as well I was not  talking to MK as we stopped being friends for her constant insult and low key obsession with wanting us to be together so damn bad ( this was just how I felt at the time ). He gave me some amazing pointers on how to leave a situation like that and was going through something similar as well. There was a brief hold on our conversation as we got arrested for a misdemeanor from the person he was living with but ended up getting his own spot eventually which he opened the door for me once he knew I was ready to be with him. 

    I leave the shelter after having to be harassed by my old friend which was very exhausting to let go of because she was not letting shit go and insulted/ harassed me all the way till I left the house. Luckily the shelter provided me with the Greyhound ticket from Stockton, CA to Cleveland, OH. I had my entire life packed up as I left the over weighted junk that was not needed back in California. Nothing was gonna stop me from being with Mr. Ivy.

        I traveled 4 long, excruciating days from December 21st to December 24th ( never again on the holiday ouuu weeee) of 2022 just to be with Mr. Ivy not even knowing what I got myself into. When I saw him in person for the first time ever I couldn't believe my eyes at how much I really loved that man for doing what he did for me. For making a way for me even if there was a risk being taken, he just wanted to make sure I was safe. Unfortunately the landlord who was also his mentor didn't know I was going to be living at the apartment with him as they set up an agreement before hand, but Mr. Ivy failed to inform them of my living situation so we ended up having to leave ( mind you this was like my 3rd day in Cleveland and a random woman I just met that same day is telling me I have to go back to California that NIGHT; truly insane). I also lost my eldest brother at the time of this to pneumonia, so you can only imagine the emotions that lead up to the unexpected move.

    Well one thing I can say about Mr. Ivy is he's gonna find a way to not be in those type of positions for too long. We ended up renting a room from Facebook Marketplace and we moved into the space that same night. I never knew a man could be this dedicated to his woman like the way he did it for me, I felt proud being his woman. A few days go by and we are cuddling on the bed watching a movie. Mr. Ivy was rubbing on my stomach when he said to me, " Are you pregnant?" Now I'm sitting there like you gotta be kidding me, but at the same time we were having so much sex when I first came out here and it was very very unprotected, so there was for sure a chance I was but I did not believe it. He only knew that I was because he had already been through it prior. I took a pregnancy test the day after but he lines were too faint so it had to been to early to know.

    We waited about two weeks till we got two more tests and they both (clear as day) came back as positive. I didn't even know how to sit with that because I felt like I was not ready, but then again it was with someone I loved and we talked about it so I saw no issue. Mr. Ivy on the other hand did not feel like it was the best idea to go along with the pregnancy because we planned for us to get pregnant when I was 25 years old. He gave me the choice to terminate or for us to just keep our baby. My decision was solid and I wanted to keep our baby because I know this is something we wanted and I didn't think it would've mattered if I kept our baby. I did not consider his feelings on my decision making, so it kind of clashed because his reaction was not the happiest at all. He was still supporting me even when I had to leave my job, he was pretty much like a whole other care giver to me. 

    I'm 15 weeks in and I had a blood test to do for the doctors to detect anything as far as health for the baby and me. I got a phone call a few days later with the test results saying that they got an error in my baby's chromosomes which could either have meant that she would've had down syndrome or that the pregnancy. They performed a procedure on me called an amniocentesis which is a test that involves them removing a small amount of my amniotic fluid by insertion of a needle in my abdominal. Never would I have thought that was gonna happen to me and even when it was over I did not feel right. I didn't even make that rash decision because I wanted to, but because Mr. Ivy thought it was what was best for me. 

    When that happened my life was never the same. I didn't have no wave of control over my life and pretty much had to let everyone else make those decisions for me. They also gave me the option to terminate my daughter while I was 18 weeks pregnant because the diagnosis of Trisomy 18 would have been fatal to her. Even if I wanted to do so it would've been so hard to do this as there were many prices and travel expenses we would have to worry about. For me it wouldn't have made any difference because I was already so far along plus going to the appointments, but as a mother I was not gonna give up on my child no matter what they said I wanted to her to be with me the entire time but unfortunately her dad wanted me to go through with it for it was too hard to bear seeing me in a light of grief by having to endure a birth and not being able to take my baby home. I guess you can say he was just looking out for me when it came to my situation but it wouldn't have changed anything because I would've still been in a grievance over my daughter had I terminated her at that time. 

    All I wanted was to hold her, kiss her, and just look at her. Nothing more, nothing less. I always knew about my baby's well being but I was the only one advocating for her physically. I was all she had so I had no other choice but to go through the radar for her ( I'd do it all over if that means I can see her again). As for Mr. Ivy, he wasn't the worst, but it was not the best. I loved him even during the times I felt like it was just me. Most of that time he wasn't fully present with me as he had other dreams to just be poly and finding other women to be a part of this dynamic we built together. Even got as far as actually having that happen and lasted till I had my daughter September 7, 2023 and afterwards. It was so not the best idea we made as a couple going through that; i'd never do that again because hurt not only me but the woman as well who was involved in something she had no idea of what was to come with it all. A year later of this happening, Mr. Ivy and I moved out of the toxic house we rented the room and moved into our own apartment after all of our trials and tribulations. But we only lasted a year there, until we broke up and he moved out with everything leaving me with nothing; not even a bed to sleep on or essentials to feed myself or wipe myself.

     Anyway, as I wrap this portion of my story up, I'd just like to say these parting words before I go. If there is any chance Mr. Ivy sees this I'd like to say this: I am not mad at you nor will I ever be. The experience I had with you has changed my life to the fullest extent to a point where I didn't even know who I was before meeting you, but you helped a lot. Both the good and bad exchange of words motivated me to be a better person not only for myself but to show up for what is divinely right in my life. Thank you for contributing to creating our daughter, our sweet girl in heaven, and the light of my life. I also would like to thank you for guiding me to Ohio as I have found stability in many forms from not just my own teachings/ researches but from you introducing me to your beautiful family and meeting your beautiful children. 

    Nothing will be the same and I hope you know I will never be the 21 year old girl you met back in 2022. I'm all woman, a mother, a child of God, and someone who is deserving of many more blessings than recurring cycles that will just keep me down. I'm still going to therapy and taking my meds, talking to God as well as our daughter, and my life is finally in order with someone who really loves me in all of my forms. I hope God has blessed you with the same, because the pain we endured and us having to see our daughter lifeless the way we did, I know it was so hard for you to see her and me like that. I really hope wherever you are that you are doing your best to get to a more stable place in your life and to always keep God #1. I pray you find the guidance that is in alignment with you for your life; I will never forget what you have done for me. Again I will always hold space for  these times and keep you in my prayers even if you don't care to receive them for me; your well-being for you life matters so if there is anything you can do for me, just please give your life back to God, save your soul from lingering spirits and always move with healthy intentions that will keep things strong in a foundation. I wish you nothing but the best and thank you for this new reality as I escaped the illusion.

                                                        San Francisco, California, February 2024

    ~Indigo Vibration <3 1111

Blog Day 7: The Wild Ride

 Dear Lord,

    Protect all who are reading this from anything that could be lingering around their spirit. Anoint this passage from anything that may be harmful and judgement to our openness to be vulnerable when there is a space to do so. Allow us all to continue to stay prayed up in your name Lord for you are the source of our lives. Guide us back to you and never allow us to lose sight of who you are to us all.

     ~In Jesus Name, Amen

        Today's blog may be a little hard for me to write. These next stages of my life story consisted of so much I had to learn just with those I associated myself with during the time of my homelessness in Oklahoma. I can say though, that I learned a huge chunk of myself in this predicament alone and do NOT feel shame nor regret for anything that I have put myself through. This blog is a space for me to be expressive as well as bring light to situations but in a sense also holding myself accountable for my own decision making for my own healing journey. So far this blog has helped many others over come/ see a new perspective on life as well which is all I ever wanted for this blog. To open eyes and expand minds.

       As I entered the shelter, there was so much adrenaline running through me because of the chaotic yet traumatic day I had being pretty much thrown out on the street. I was scared and felt like a lost puppy walking in as I asked for assistance from someone who I found at the shelter ( side note: the shelter was downstairs in the basement of a church ). SISU wasn't bad but it wasn't what I wanted to do. After they showed me around the building, one of the staff members informed me they had food down in another room where supplies like clothes, laundry, food pantry, showers, ect were stored at. Entering the room, I see a bunch of young kids and adults my age at the time, but I could tell a lot of them were strung out on drugs or are users which made me really sad to see. I wasn't really hungry plus they didn't serve vegan food ( of course), but I had EBT so luckily I was able to just buy food and bring it there. 

    Besides that I just go sit at an empty spot at the table in the corner so I just proceeded to sit there alongside two other girls. They seemed like they've been friends for a while and were having good conversations with each other when all of a sudden one of them introduced themselves to me. She seemed friendly but I also wasn't too sure as I'm not a local. After like a day she came back to me again when she saw I was alone outside in 100 degree weather on a really humid, sunny day. If some don't know, when you stay at certain homeless shelters they basically shut down the entire facility with all of your belongings in there for about 8 hours or so; if you don't make it back at a certain time they will literally have you sleeping outside which I never knew until I got there. But anyway, she offered to hang out with me and we ended up going to the mall.

      From there we became so close to friends from me having a very intuitive tarot reading with her, wanting to brand/create a business with her, praying together, crying together to us having to damn near fight for our lives coming into contact with some dangerous people as well. I even went as far as having my friend at the time drive across the country to pick us both up because we wanted to leave the shelter so bad that we decided to move back to California and live with/ meeting most of my family. We endured a lot together to the point we even became romantically involved. Yes, at the time all of this was like the golden ticket, but after a while there were many changes. Us being romantically involved messed up a lot of things for the simple fact of miscommunication. I was poly at the time and had been for a few years which I told her; I really thought we had an understanding of the definition and that this would mean I would be seeing/ interested in others ( mind you we were never officially together as a couple nor did I ever ask her just based off of our conversations prior). The miscommunication from both ends clashed a lot which made it more obvious that we had something going on to my family as they confronted us about it.

       From this being the result, this made me chase her a lot during the time and I can confidently say that now. This was really because of what happened to me during my time in Oklahoma and how much I needed to rely on someone really anyone to support me and see life in me. In a way I was seeking a lot of validation from others and needing that approval but most of the time it wouldn't be what I was wanting because it wasn't what God wanted me to have. After that entire experience of her putting me through all of that hell we did end up speaking and reconciling after two years in 2024 but it became to be very overwhelming with the timing of our lives and it felt like that time with us being in connection on any accord is done; for we are on newer/ very very different paths and wavelengths. All I can do is give it back to God and let him do the work for that. Just because you reconcile with someone from your past, doesn't always mean you have to reconnect with them.    

        Sometimes you really got to just let yourself have these experiences, observe the situation, then move accordingly, but to also accept the differences that made the problems happen in the first place. I'm so thankful God put me through that because I would've never learned how to speak up for myself when I felt like things were wrong. It was still choppy, but I was able to gain the knowledge to make that part of me better. And these experiences with her and my living in Oklahoma made me realize not everyone is gonna be like you or  like you. People really are just raised differently and unfortunately not everyone wants to see you win by moving on through life to more healthier scales. 

    Through the evolution of my life path, I was more in alignment with that rather than how I used to handle situations that were influenced by the way others would resolve them, but now I am free of that; my worth cost more than anyone's validation. Now for tomorrow's blog this will be the most important part of my life and the reason I even started this blog in the first place.  I'm definitely going to be meditating on this topic as there are many wounds from my pregnancy and relationship with my daughter's father. I'm strong enough for the topic alone, but only God knows what those experiences felt like to me so please bear with me on this. I appreciate all the feedback so far and hope to continue on helping so many of you with these stories<3

        ~Indigo Vibration<3 1111

Blog Day 6: The Realizations

 Dear Lord,

    Thank you for all that you do. Thank you for just bringing forth new beginnings and clear realizations for our minds to be free from the enemy's clutch. Allow us to always be proud of the journey we are taking here on earth, cover our innocence, and continue to guide us in the right direction for you are the only way to go.        

    ~In Jesus Name, Amen

        We are here, day 6! Almost a whole week of the blog being dropped and I can't believe how much my life story has resonated with so many people. Yesterday we discussed a lot about the MLM fiasco, now we are going to talk about how this ties into my 2022 experience with homelessness and really how much the controlled dynamic of individuals came forth to me in my personal life as well.

       After leaving the solar panel MLM and being told to leave the apartments they provided for ( yes these people had enough money to house thousands of people I was shocked when I seen it too because this was in a way such a smart, yet devious way to keep people in control; like how much more further can you go with this smh), I  literally had no where to go, but back to my dad's house who I just previously moved from. Knowing I had to make that choice messed me up so bad just because I wanted to be my own independent woman and not have to keep going backwards with something like that. I soon realize this is going to be a recurring cycle of this game of life. I ended up living with my sister and her children who lived in Phoenix, AZ at the time for a fresh start which I was 100% game for.

       Long story short I did not stay in Arizona for too long and ended up in Oklahoma City, OK which was a huge culture shock for me as a whole. I lived here for only 6 months, but within those months I experienced a lot. I experienced many first being out there like having to be around gang affiliation, guns, accused of shit I didn't do, drugs, sexual harassment and at times ran into just not the best people. I wouldn't say this was the worst, but it definitely changed my perspective on people as a whole especially those I  call family. Those same people I thought I could trust also had a lot of control over my life. 

        I wasn't the best with my communication skills as a whole at the time, so I really didn't say much ( also that was a bad habit I picked up from my own household growing up; we had to be silenced for a lot of things so it just kind of stuck in these situations). I had to leave most of my clothes at the house I was staying at with no return, inventory from my handmade jewelry collection that I made myself had to be thrown away, and shoes that were all I had literally. Everything I owned was gone all because I wasn't told about an unexpected move, so as a result left no choice but for them to drop me off at the corner like a stray animal with no one to call or help me. My sister couldn't because she was already housed and had her children. Now at the time I was so angry with her because I knew her boyfriend knew about this entire move, but at the end of the day I really had to look beyond that and not be mad at her. I feel like if I held that grudge on my sister that we would never talk again but I really had to face that situation in real time so I was definitely mad for a while. I eventually just forgave her and had to find out what I had to do to get myself housed.

        I ended up at this LGBTQ homeless shelter called SISU because it was the only one I could go to that was close to the house I was staying at. This was when I realized that I hit rock bottom. Never in my mind did I think I was going to be in a situation where I become homeless especially at a state I'm not from. In all honesty it was so damn embarrassing to be in this space because I didn't deserve what was done to me by people I thought I could trust with my life. I soon found out they really didn't care where I was going. 

    Thank you for reading this portion of the 2022 experience! Now it doesn't end here because we are just getting started on this as a whole. 2022 was a very long year for me so this will be a longer story line than the others I have shared as this was the year I fully was able to be on my own as an adult after the pandemic and high school. This was low key the real introduction to adult life for me rather because it was the first time I moved out of California after being there all my life it was a huge jump of change for me. But hang in there my lovely readers, there will be more on this subject tomorrow as this is only just a smudge of what I experienced this year! God bless and keep moving forward<3

        ~Indigo Vibration<3 1111