Blog Day 10: The Balance

 Dear Lord, 

Bless this Sunday morning for we have risen today. Anoint the words that bestow the reader today as they find the balance of work life after a loss of a loved one. Allow the reader to be present in your light to open their minds the the knowledge that is given. Breathe more life into us Lord so we can continue to show up for your chosen people and never let us be burnt out to the point we can't grow with you alongside us all.

    ~In Jesus Name, Amen

    As some know and for those who don't, today's blog will be a reader's choice topic. I put a question suggestion box on my Instagram story and got a great topic to work with from my beautiful and talented soul sister, Irie Woods! She suggested I speak on the subject matter of balancing the work requirements at a job after the loss of my daughter. I loved this topic because I didn't really think to speak on this as I am still on this journey of balancing it all out as we speak so it never just came to mind. I really appreciate Irie for this suggestion and I hope this passage can shed some light and balance not just for her but for anyone who is also struggling with this as well.

  I'll start this blog on just how much that alone affected my well-being but also how I found the balance in all of this madness of a shifted reality. I knew after I lost my daughter that I'd have to go back into the work force. I couldn't really picture myself anywhere as I was just undergoing so much pain and aching in my soul but also my body was still not present with the times. I worked not even a month after I lost my sweet girl because of Mr. Ivy telling me I had to do so in order for us to have funds to pay bills at the apartment we received right after the fact. It was really hard on my body when I started back up like my body felt like jumbled up bones in a bag from how much my body was stretched out during pregnancy that the after math of all of that just had my body in shambles with only working an 8 hour shift. 

    The first job I received postpartum was a janitorial job at a women's and children's shelter. I was cleaning showers, classrooms, offices, the cafeteria, the bathrooms, the hall ways ect. Mind you all of this had to be done within 4 hours of me working which in my mind at first wasn't gonna be a lot but I was definitely wrong about all of that. This was one of the most excruciating pains I had just bending down ( after having an epidural in my back) kneeling, standing long hours, it all took such a huge toll on my body.  After a while they eventually did fire me because I could not perform the tasks at the specific time which I was willing to accept because I physically couldn't do any of it. 

    Fast forward a month later and my friend at the time who I had met through creative exchange told me about an opportunity to work with children at a Charter school. My job simply was to be a teacher's aide and help around the classes. I also took on the role of being a substitute teacher as well as I taught Kinder garden and 2nd grade math and phonics. It was such an interesting yet one of the biggest learning experiences of my life as this is something I literally used to write about in my writing prompts when I was a scholar as well. One thing about me I always want to serve my people no matter what, but I always had a passion for working with the youth because they are our future EVERYTHING! As this was such a hard but eye opening  job as this was an introduction to the school system here in Ohio and the direction they were taking the children there. 

    I had to endure many new obstacles working there because the students had a ton of inconsistency the entire year and prior to that as well. A lot of adults gave up on the kids so it was a lot of shoes to fill during this time as they all needed much attention and academically they needed us the most otherwise the school was gonna shut down depending on their test scores. Unfortunately, I ended up leaving before all of this transpired because of my mental health. It got to the point where the kids started to lost control but more so patience with the changes as we kept losing teachers. I didn't want to leave them as I bonded with every scholar that was in the building but I also had to deal with my postpartum as well as a Mr. Ivy and I were not seeing eye to eye leading up to our very long break up. I went through a lot of emotional turmoil which put me in a position to want to do better for myself. 

    And just when I thought things were going bad they only got better after all of this happened last school year. After this happened, I got blessed with another job doing the same thing but at a Catholic school with such a more structured nature that was surrounded by God's glory and also being a tutor for 7th and 8th grade students. I was so thrilled to be in this space because as it is still a job for me to be there to attend to the children, it was more rewarding because they gave me more time to balance my personal life as well as enjoying my work life. 

    Sometimes God puts you into positions to shed light on certain situations like the ones I had to go through. Despite the feelings of my loss and the environment being around kids after such a great loss, I learned that this was given to me to pour in the love I would've given to my daughter into children who desperately needed it. Most of their days are spent at school which a lot of us never wanted to go to, but as long as there were those good teachers that show up for you  it was worth going every single day. I thank God for the position I have in these children's lives because it ultimately breathes life into me on levels that can never be explained. I never thought I'd find a job that is actually healing me but I can honestly say this is something I can do for the rest of my life in so many forms. Being told the impact I have on those kids and them opening telling how great of a teacher I am or how much they just don't want to leave me because they love working with me, is all I need to keep this passion on fire. 

    Without us there would be no them, so I encourage you all to keep going at it with whatever you enjoy doing that breathes life into you. Don't ever settle for less and definitely don't burn yourself out to the point you don't want to do it anymore. A lot of people lose their fire when it gets overworked, so start creating an  agenda for your day so you don't stress so much on the time frames of things being done. Eventually once you cant find your organized routine things start to flow more naturally than before; don't give up on the vision regardless of the work that needs to be done. God can give your blessing onto others if you are not willing to catch them when they are presented to you. Always move by faith and not by sight as this can create more stress than progress. We are only human so just be mindful with your timing and make sure there is time in there for you to still enjoy your life as well in all of it's simplicity.

        ~Indigo Vibration<3 1111